Minivans & More

 Danny DeVito & John Travolta in "Get Shorty"

Sliding behind the wheel of a minivan feels about as sexy as inserting orthotics into my shoes.  So far, I’ve been able to avoid one but not the other.  I have to wear arch supports most of the time.  I did not get to this place honestly.  My mother wore her orthotics even with sandals, so committed was she to substance over form.

Maybe that’s how women who hobble around in heels and drive convertibles with car seats in the back are made.  They were raised by the type of women who wear backpacks instead of handbags and have no idea why someone would make fun of a car with remote-control sliding doors.

My friend from Marin County drives a minivan.

“That must kill the mojo, huh?”

“Hey, it’s an ego boost.  You know you've got it going on when you're checked out in this thing.  Anyone can turn a head driving a Range Rover, but to get double takes when I’m navigating a dented white Honda, now that's something.”

Part of me is envious she can be practical and not care.  It makes me think driving one would be cool, like when John Travolta’s character, Chili Palmer, in "Get Shorty" was only able to rent a minivan and everyone saw it as a great thing to have because he was so hip.  The joke really had nothing to do with the sensibility of the car; it was more about group herd mentality.  As much as I respect and adore my minivan driving friends, I can’t bring myself to buy one.

I feel selfish and a little bit mean, stuffing two huge boys, and sometimes their friends, into my small SUV.  I even have a coonhound to drag around, but I jam him in there, too.

I am not alone.  There is an underground militia of people who are fighting yellowing teeth, expanding waistlines and graying hair.  Our battle cry is, “I am not going down in a minivan!”  It’s admirable if you can cruise around in a Consumer Reports Top Buy! and correctional footwear.  Maybe someday I’ll cross over and sever the ties that bind me to fast cars and impractical shoes, but for now I’ll remain a rebel in tight blue jeans.